The Story

Things I Remeber

I sit here trying to write our story, and I find myself with several images in my mind. I think of the first night that I meet you, how young and naïve I was, and yet I wasn't. I think of all the times that we'd all go out together as a group, the first year that I meet you. The trips out to Crawford's, the dummy hanging in the tree. That was back before I knew I was in love with you, I was dating your best friend, and you were dating mine. I remember endless hours spent on the phone. I remember you making me feel better when I was no longer dating your best friend. And when you broke up with mine. I remember the night Gossimer was born. I remember you coming to pick me up when I was tending my niece and a conversation you had with your girlfriend that lived close to you then. And how when she asked whom the little girl was that we had at your place and you told her. "Just a little girl that calls me Daddy." I remember sitting on your lap then your dad walking in the door and how embarrassed I was. I remember you telling me once that it was at that moment that you knew you were in love with me. I remember "borrowing" my sister's Jimmy, to come and visit you, then getting severely bitched out for taking her vehicle. I remember the summer you and a friend of yours would come to my house and pick me up and take me for rides on your dirt bikes. I remember telling you that I dared you to drop your pant right in the middle of Top Stops parking lot, thinking you wouldn't do it, just to have you prove me wrong by doing it. I remember falling in love with you and not knowing what to do about falling in love with my best friend. I remember us deciding to go steady with each other, only to have one of your friends tell me that you were with another girl one weekend. I remember being so angry about it that I went out with another guy the following weekend. Then shortly after that you giving me a note saying "if the nicest thing you could say to me when we passed in the hall was to f*ck off, I would know why." I remember being so hurt and angry, but not crying when I read that letter because I didn't want you to know how much you had hurt me. I remember thinking he should know; that I would give as good as I got. I remember us somehow finding ourselves friends again. I remember you coming to pick me up, and how you would let me drive your car, so you could "Moon Tan". I remember sitting in my house & in front of my house when you would lay back and pull me on top of you, and yell "Rape" just to see what my mom or others passing by would do. I remember all the laughter you brought into my life. I remember opening my locker at school and finding a Mother's Day card and a little yellow duck (which I still have) from Gossimer. I remember arguing about child-support and visitation for Gossimer in front of Boots, just to see the look on his face. I remember endless hours spent at Karen & Jacks. I remember telling you I was engaged. I remember you asking me to marry you. I remember going home that night, wondering what to do. I remember thinking about all the things we had in common. About all the times we had hurt each other. All the times you had made me cry. I remember telling you to give me time. I remember Jack telling us we should just go and elope. I remember sitting up stairs and asking you what you were thinking, and having you tell me "That no matter how much I love you, It doesn't make a difference." Whether you believe it or not. It did. I remember the night I told you I couldn't marry you. I remember wondering if I had made the right choice. I wondered if I would have regrets. I wondered should I do what would protect me, what everyone expected me to do, what would make me happy. I didn't know. I'm sorry, none of the choices were easy, they all involved risks. I was so tired of being hurt. That I made the only choice that would leave my heart in tact or so I thought. I remember you telling me good bye. I remember sitting home crying because I had lost my best friend once again. I remember how empty I felt. I remember seeing so much hurt in your eyes. Then one day, you were on the phone. Asking me if I wanted to come and see your apartment. I remember waiting for what seemed like forever. Then finally getting mad and telling my mom if you showed up to tell you I wasn't going to sit and wait forever, just to have you pull up in my driveway about the time I got to my car. I remember going grocery shopping with you, and seeing several of your girlfriends' friends at the store. I remember making French fries in butter because we had forgotten to buy oil at the store. I remember all the times you held me. I remember all the kisses we shared. I remember all the times we came so close to crossing the line between friends and lovers. I remember all the times we said & did things to hurt each other. I remember all the times we shared a few beers, a few tears, and a few kisses up at our pond. I remember telling you that I could see that you loved me by looking into your eyes. I remember you and all the boys coming to pick me up to go and play pool. I remember my wedding day. I remember wondering if you were going to come and rescue me. But you didn't. I remember telling you good bye when I was getting ready to move far away. I remember missing you when I was in a strange state, with no one I knew. I remember getting letters from you while you were in jail. (I think I still have them somewhere) I remember flying home and how much I needed to talk to you. I remember riding over to where you were staying only to find you living with someone else and planning to marry her. I remember your wedding and the party afterwards. I remember going back to my mom's house and crying because I had never gotten the chance to tell you, I came home to see if you still loved me, and if you did, I was moving back. But it was too late. I remember leaving you again. I remember when I moved back home and how much I hoped I would run into you somewhere. I remember you calling me and telling me that maybe we could meet sometime. I remember dialing your number, only to hang up the phone before it ever rang. And a few times letting it ring, just to have your wife answer it. I remember stopping at your house to see your second son right after he was born, then going to a mutual friends house and seeing his first little boy, and showing him mine. I remember your wife calling me to see if I knew this guy on a talk show, and her telling me what a wonderful marriage you had. I remember seeing you one day as you were getting off work and honking at you to have you turn around and come back and talk to me for a little while. I remember asking you if it was too late and you saying yes. I remember you working over at my mom's house. So I came over and talked to you. She called me and told me you were there, I didn't just happen to stop by. I remember you telling me you were getting married in the temple. I remember thinking that I had forever lost my chance to have you in my life. I remember hearing that you were working up north, and hoping that I'd see you broke down on the side of the road on my way home from work. But it never happened. I remember hoping that one day you would just show up on my doorstep to talk, but it never happened. I remember hearing about our friend's little boy dying, the one that was the same age as our own sons. I remember seeing you at the funeral. I remember you hugging me at the cemetery, and how being in your arms felt so right. I remember all the nights that you invaded my thoughts and dreams. I remember finding out that one of my friends was working with your wife. I remember when she told me about all the things your wife was up too. I remember sending you an email to which you replied with one that said "Well at least someone still loves" I remember replying back asking you what was up, and having you answer almost immediately. I remember the story you told me. And how you were trying to get your marriage back on track. I remember replying telling you if you needed a friend I was here, and giving you my phone number, and you answering back asking me what I was doing up so late. I remember the following Monday, on Martin Luther Kings Day you calling me. I remember spending several hours on the phone with you getting caught up with each other. I remember all the nights I stayed up late to talk to you on line. I remember the first day you stopped and seen me at work and the reaction my dad had to that. I remember the time we would steal, just to see each other. I remember waking my kids up at midnight to come and pick you up because you'd put your truck in a ditch. I remember you telling me how much your kids meant to you. I remember lying on the couch opposite you, to only wish that I were lying in your arms instead. I remember our first time together, and the irony involved in it. I remember feeling alive again. I remember my getting separated and then my divorce. I remember all the times you said you were leaving only to find you still there. I remember asking you "if there was any way you were going back" And you telling me that you couldn't that too much had happened. I remember all the mornings we would spend on the phone. I remember all the nights that you would call to tell me good night and to say that you loved me. I remember how each time that we'd say good-bye I'd wonder if it was going to be the last time that I talked to you. And if we would ever not say good-bye. I remember not saying a lot of things I would have liked to have said, because I didn't want you to feel pressure. I remember wondering if I should've said those things anyway. I remember how things started to slow down. I remember all the things that I would read in your eyes, and how some thrilled me to the bone, while others, proved my fears. I remember you telling me that you had to give her just one more chance. I remember you telling me that we all had our super hero things, and your was your sunglasses, that they protected you. I remember asking what you needed protection from "Me?" I remember you saying that I could see too much of you when I looked into your eyes, and you telling me that you still needed your magic sunglasses. I remember you telling me that maybe a talk should be a priority, only to have each time I ask you to find time to talk, you can't. I remember you calling me to say that you were filing for divorce. That you were moving out. I remember stopping by your house and talking to you for a few mins. And you telling me to give you a call some time. I remember calling you, and you asking me if I would be around the next day, saying you would give me a call then. I remember waiting for that phone call, which never did come through. I remember all the anger and all the love. All the hellos and all the good byes. I remember wondering if you were ever going to call. I remember sending you an email asking you to find some time for us. To clear the air. To get things said and done. And not getting any response at all. I remember deciding that I can't do this anymore. That it's time, I came to terms with all that I feel for you, and to put it all away. I remember thinking why do I even care when he doesn't care at all. I remember thinking that I wasn't going to relive the past. Only to find us doing the same as we did in the past.. I don't know if I'll ever have the answers that I seek. I don't know if it even matters. As with all things in life nothing is more predictable then change. And my life is changing every day. You will always have a special place in my heart. But that doesn't change the past, the hurt or the love. So today I find myself saying that it is time to say good bye to you once again. I wish you happiness, and I hope one day you will find the girl that will blow your theory on love all to hell. That one day you will find the love that you don't believe in, but that you seem to be in constant search of. Farewell my old friend.